Schnitzel Burger is Everything That is Fun About Food
I finally got to try the Schnitzel Burger from the Schnitzel & Things Truck today. It required me getting there at 11:40am (the line was already 11 people long, 30+ by the time a left at 12:05), but was completely worth it. And after taking one bite… the music started loud and clear in my head:
At last… my love has come along
My lonely days are over, And life is like a song
Oh, yeah, at last, The skies above are blue
My heart was wrapped up in clovers
The night I looked at you
I found a dream that I could speak to
A dream that I can call my own
I found a thrill to rest my cheek to
A thrill that I have never known
Oh, yeah when you smile, you smile
Oh, and then the spell was cast
And here we are in heaven
For you are mine…. At last.
But what did I really think?
Almost everything I have read about the Schnitzel Burger has been positive… (save for this guy). And it really just comes down to one thing. How much fun do you want to have when you eat? There are certainly things to you could complain about, especially if you are a burger curmudgeon aficionado.
For one thing, the burger is dipped in batter and deep fried- which is clearly not an ideal way to cook a burger evenly. I ordered mine medium rare, and while the first half of my burger was pretty medium, there were parts of the second half that seemed downright rare. I guess that would be fine if “medium-rare” literally meant half of the burger is cooked medium, and half was cooked rare.
Secondly, the reports of this burger being incredibly juicy are 100% true… if juicy was a synonym for greasy. Shocker right? Who would have ever guessed that a burger that is breaded and deep fried would be greasy? In fairness though, the burger is juicy too. Even though it looks overcooked, it was not dry at all, with the burger juices getting locked into the thing (even though they are definitely sharing equal space with the oil the thing is fried in.)
That is what I would say if I wasn’t me. If I were a burger purist, or a food snob, or a guy who feels the need to critique even the foods that are clearly meant to be more about fun than haute cuisine. But I’m not that guy. I’m a fat guy who just likes to eat, and I loved every single bite of this monstrosity. Sure, there are those who like to criticize the trend of gross out foods, but the Schnitzel Burger distinguishes itself from those frankenfoods in one incredibly important way: it’s freakin’ delicious. It’s a great tasting hamburger. It tasted really really good. And not in a “general tso’s chicken/steak and cheese” way. In a “this is a good burger” way. The bread to meat ratio is perfect, their sauces are all delicious (I went with the ginger, scallion and garlic) and even though ciabatta is not an ideal burger roll, in this case it’s essential to keeping this greasy/juicy mess together.
Just one warning… you don’t want to let this thing sit. There is no question that if you eat more than one of these things a month you will die. And not at the ripe old age of 75. I mean if you eat 12 or more of these burgers in a one year period you… will… die. Your heart will stop working, before it even has time to warn you that what you are doing is wrong. And letting the burger sit in the bag while you walk back to the office will just quicken that process. You need to eat it immediately. Will juice run down your face? Yes. Will a greasy film cover your hands for the rest of the day? Yes. Will people walk by on the street and point at you in disgust? No. More than likely they will attempt to avert their eyes instead. But better to have grease on your hands, and face (and shirt sleeves in my case) than in your arteries. Because that is where it will all end up if you let this thing “rest” for any significant period of time. It’s like the opposite of a fine wine. Time doesn’t make it better… just more deadly.
Is it worth trying once? If you’re not allergic to grease, than absolutely yes. It most certainly is. It’s even worth waiting in line for, and it’s worth the $7 price tag. Is it worth dying for? Well, that depends on you.