It was with a heavy heart I left my apartment with one last kiss goodbye to my boyfriend. The future ahead of me looked dim, but the task before me demanded courage and strength of will. I had to put on my big girl pants and face the Duane Reade sushi challenge like a true gastronomic gladiator. My arena would not be filled with salivating spectators, but with bright florescent aisles packed with cosmetics, junk food and pharmaceuticals. In fact the DR pharmacy might play a vital part in the aftermath of this challenge. Dios mio man! Will Mamacita meet her maker at the hands of ptomaine poisoning? Find out after the jump!

I took a deep breath as the automatic doors slid open at the Duane Reade on 51st Street & 6th Ave.. Right in the center aisle was a round display of chilled sandwiches and 3 types of sushi. California rolls with imitation crab, spicy tuna and a combo of salmon nigiri with a spicy tuna roll. My choice was obvious. I wasn’t going to wuss out with cooked fish. The combo was the sure way to give me that one-two punch in the midsection. Now $9 dollars lighter in the pocket I took my meal back to home base for examination.

For this special assignment I figured I might need a helping hand from a specialist on dubious seafood and back alley delights. I brought in my resident expert Senor Don Gato. This is a cat that was eating out of garbage cans before I took him in and he is constantly hungry. His, shall we say, adventurous palate was exactly what I needed on a task like this. It’s about time the little freeloading bastard earned his keep and who better to be the proverbial “canary in the coal mine” for this challenge? Would DR sushi get the feline seal of approval?

I offered him a spicy roll. He declined. I offered him the salmon. He turned his tail at it!

The fact that the cat didn’t want anything to do with the Duane Reade sushi inspired no small amount of trepidation. Perhaps neither man nor beast should consume convenient-store bought meals in the raw.

The moment of truth had come; it was my turn to cowboy up. With a heart full of fear I took a bite. First thought was it just tasted like the soy sauce I dipped it in, the second piece without sauce still tasted bland. I guess that’s better then tasting like something scooped out of the East River. At press time, I’m still alive and regular, but would not suggest you try this at home. Leave this work to the professionals.

Yet, my journey is not yet finished. I obviously have a death wish, so I might as well go full monty. If I don’t end up in the hospital with severe dysentery, you might find me testing out the sushi at Jack’s 99 cent store today. Stay tuned.

Duane Reade, 51st & 6th Ave.

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